Guideline for Functional Relationships

  1. The relationship must be first. Nothing else comes before the relationship… not parents, sports, computers, job… nothing.
  2. No putdowns- Neither party is allowed to criticize the other
    (especially about their parents or other family members).
  3. No name calling, particularly if swear words are used. This is a form of emotional abuse.
  4. Time out- Establish a time out if the other person is pushing too many emotional buttons. Just say “Time Out” and everybody stops the argument.
  5. Be Honest and keep secrets to a minimum.
  6. No shaming. Do not use shame to get your way.
  7. Do not bring up the past as a Weapon. If you are harboring resentments, discuss them when there is less emotion, and it can talk about calmly. Resentments need to be dealt with or they will make for more distance. The past can’t be changed but your perception can.
  8. Work at never going to bed angry. You cannot sleep when you are angry.
  9. Make time for a date on a weekly basis without the kids or other family members. This can be time to reconnect and talk.
  10. Have fun. Make the time.
  11. Don’t forget to make time for a meaningful sex life. Remember we are sexual beings.
  12. In disagreements say: “This is my perception…Never say, you always.” Or, “you never.”
  13. Listen, listen, and paraphrase what you think your partner might be saying. Ask for feedback about what you are hearing.
  14. In Disagreements; as with each other: How did I (yourself) contribute to the problem? Name at least two ways.
  15. Ask for what you need and want. Each partner communicates to each other your wants and needs.
  16. Treat each other as you would a best friend. Learn each other’s giving and receiving vocabulary.
  17. Is what I do or say going to draw us closer or apart?
  18. Eliminate the critical parent and develop the nurturing parent for yourself, your spouse, children, grand children, and others
  19. Learn to forgive and to forgive and to forgive again. When you forgive you release critical judgments of yourself and others.
  20. Get help if you need it. Counseling and therapy is much cheaper than a lawyer.